With my divorce and custody-related fighting behind me now, I’ve had some time to reflect on the whole situation.  It’s funny how quickly you can adapt to major life changes. 

I’m just a few months divorced, yet I feel as though my time as a married man was a lifetime ago.  It’s even feeling like the divorce process and time spent on it has long since passed.  It sure as hell didn’t feel that way when I was in the middle of it. 

I remember wanting to know so badly how long the whole divorce process could take – what was the divorce time-line?  No one could give me a straight answer.  I now know why that is.  Each divorce takes on a life of it own; every divorce scenario is unique.  Still, my hope today is to provide you with some insight into the divorce process and the length of time you may be in it.

The following is my divorce time-line from start to finish.  Obviously, as I have already stated, each situation is unique and this time line should only be considered as a baseline.  My particular situation was not an easy, nor completely amiable one.  There were infidelity issues, custody issues, but thankfully, no money issues – which would have prolonged things even more.  Here is my divorce time-line by month:

• Month 1 (Jun 2008) – Clear that counseling is not going to fix the issues – divorce is eminent
• Month 2 (Jul 2008) – Divorce decision is made and announced to family – spent time on lawyer lookup sites trying to find the right lawyer, but ultimately found mine on referral of a friend – I met with the divorce attorney and filed for divorce
• Month 3 (Aug 2008) – Trying to do things cheap and amiably but not going to work out – wife retains her own lawyer
• Month 4 (Sep 2008) – My attorney sends over divorce agreement to be reviewed by wife’s attorney – all okay except custody is clearly going to be an issue
• Month 5 (Oct 2008) – Lawyers fan the flames and trade off letters / documents each seeking sole parental custody (very much due to our stupidity, the divorce now seems to be occurring between our lawyers).
• Month 6 (Nov 2008) – All hell is breaking loose – getting nasty – total breakdown in communication between wife and I
• Month 7 (Dec 2008) – Continued requests by me to resolve custody issue amiably between us ignored – lawyers lovin’ their receivables (I swear I could envision them both high-fiving each other in a bar somewhere)
• Month 8 (Jan 2009) – No real change – some bs court dates set, but the key issue of custody is still hanging out there without resolution
• Month 9 (Feb 2009) – Meet for four-way conference with wife and lawyers – total useless fiasco – lawyers have decided to request from judge that a trial date be set
• Month 10 (Mar 2009) – Court mandates that wife and I are to attend mandatory divorce mediation – three meetings max to attempt to resolve issues before trial.  First two meetings a total bust (aside from the zinger I got in about my wife and the whole football team – was really a good one).  Court-appointed mediator informs judge that we are pretty much stupid a-holes and there is no way to reach a resolution through mediation.
• Month 11 (Apr 2009) – Again request of my wife to sit down and resolve issue of custody with me – initiated some helpful, legal strong-arm tactics to make that happen – a verbal, then formal agreement is reached – lawyers draw up final divorce documents and notify the judge
• Month 12 (May 2009) – Met in court for the “proving-up” – divorce is finalized – free at last

So there you have it.  That’s my divorce time line – start to finish it took 12 months (or one year).  Realistically, this whole fiasco could have been wrapped up in 2 or 3 months if we had reached agreement on custody and relied less on lawyers.  But that’s divorce lawyers for you – they certainly like to stir the pot and watch the dollars float to the top.  We aren’t blameless either.  It’s hard when emotions like fear and anger get involved.

So, if you happen to be wondering how long your divorce will take, I hope my little time-line gives you something to think about.  I also hope it doesn’t take too long for you.  Hang in there…

Best, Dan