I wanted to run through a few of the tough divorce questions my six-year-old has asked recently. For each question, I’ve provided my desired response, and my actual response…

Why did you and Mommy divorce, I didn’t see you fighting?

• Desired Response:  Sweetie, when two people get married they make a really, really, really big promise called a “vow.” Mommy isn’t very good at keeping vows.
• Actual Response:  I know it’s hard for you honey… Mommy and Daddy felt it would be better if we weren’t married anymore. We think everyone in the family will be happier, but it will take some time to get used to it. I know it can’t be easy for you that Mom and Dad made this decision.

Do you still love Mommy?

• Desired Response:  I love your Mom about at as much as I’d love to have a really sharp, red-hot poker jabbed into my eye repeatedly. Your Mom truly is the antichrist.
• Actual Response:  I love your Mom for giving me you and your sister, but we don’t love each other like married people do.

Is Mommy still your friend?

• Desired Response:  No. Friends don’t pull the kind of crap your Mom pulled for the past 15 years. Your Daddy is an absolute imbacile for putting up with it so long.
• Actual Response:  Of course she is. We both love you and want to be there for you and that’s what friends are for. (Note how I redirected the focus with that statement).

Will you and Mommy ever live together again?

• Desired Response:  Well, since I’m not planning on going to hell when I die, I’m fairly certain that we won’t.
• Actual Response:  No sweetie, we won’t. I know that’s hard for you to understand, but it will get easier in time. (This is the worst – I hate saying it to her, but I don’t want her to have false hopes that we will someday reconcile).

Do you still like Grandma (ex’s Mom)?

• Desired Response:   I couldn’t stand her before your Mom and I got married.
• Actual Response:  Of course, and she loves you too. (Again, the redirection…)

I’m not a psychologist, but I think I handled things okay. My daughter seemed comforted and that’s all that really matters. I realized very early on in the divorce process that me tearing down their Mom was only going to hurt them (and ultimately me in the end). Be smart and be an adult about it.

You may deplore your ex, but keep it to yourself when the kids are around.