My ex-wife and I have known that our daughter would probably have some anxiety issues.  In fact, we’ve known the probability was pretty good for about 5 years now (since our daughter was about 3 years old).   To some degree, I find a little bit of comfort in that fact.  At that point in time, we were a seemingly happy, married couple and she was our little peanut.  I suppose the comfort comes in knowing that our divorce did not cause this (though it certainly doesn’t help it much either).

Even as young as age 2 and 3, we could already see some of her anxious tendencies and characteristics.  They were not hard for either my ex-wife or I to spot.  It was like looking into a mirror.  We both had had anxiety issues for most of our lives.  For me, I was blessed with the gift of General Anxiety and Panic Disorder.  Good times.  Thankfully, these were not sustained issues throughout all of my years; they would pop in on me periodically to keep me in my place whenever things were going too smoothly.  Well, diarrhea ain’t the only thing that runs in your, um… genes.

My daughter is a beautiful soul…  She has the most gentle, caring demeanor.  She is wise far (way too far) beyond her years.  I remember laying in bed with her when she was just 2 years-old.  She had asked if Baxter (my brother’s dog) was in Heaven now that he died.  All of these fine tidbits were acquired from her slightly older cousins; Baxter had died a week or so before.  She asked me if she will see him again since he died.  I probably should have just said yes, I know she was only 2, but it just didn’t feel right to lie to her.  I told her no.  After a pause of about ten seconds, I could already see the next question on her face…  “Daddy, will you die?”  She asked me already getting choked-up.  Before I could even answer, she made the realization we all make as humans, but it was a cruel gift to give a girl so tender such a logical mind…  Through tears and a broken voice, came THE question, “Daddy, will I die?”  It was a harsh realization that no 2 year-old should ever have to make.  It is these characteristics, her sensitivity, her logic, and her caring-nature, that together, act as a perfectly blended rocket-fuel that allows anxiety to blastoff.

Here we are now, today.  She is 8 years-old and what could once be controlled, seems to run wild.  When my daughter gets overly anxious now, it is on the verge of panic (a panic that no amount of consoling or rationalizing can quell).  It is a brutal, helpless feeling to watch a loved one hurt so, but progress is already being made…  We stood in the pouring rain and stood strong for one-minute through wind, thunder, and lightning, an unheard-of possibility just two-weeks ago.  Most of the minute was spent with nervous giggles and complaints about getting wet.  I’m glad we didn’t get struck by lightning…

In Part 3 of this series of posts, I will provide the specific resources and activities we are doing to help my daughter cope.

I wanted to post a copy of the form I use to track the never ending exchange of childcare payments between my ex and I.  Because my ex and I have a 50/50 shared custody agreement, we are each always needing to exchange money for half of the child-related payments we make.

In my particular situation, my ex and I use the same bank and have a joint checking account we use to exchange money quickly.  If I owe her, I transfer the owed amount into the joint account from my individual account (which she cannot see or access), she then withdraws then transfers that cash into her individual account (which I cannot see or access).  It is the same process in reverse when I am owed money.

This lifestyle is a busy one, and payments made or due can easily be overlooked or forgotten.  For this reason, it is best to NOT depend on your memory (or your ex’s) to track payments.  Even if you and your ex have an amiable post-divorce relationship, that can quickly sour when money comes into question.

The following shared custody payment log is in Microsoft Excel format. It is a payment template that you should feel free to modify to suit your personal situation.  You may want to give a copy to your ex too (or not).

Please let me know if you have any questions or if I can help you with the template.

Shared-Custody-Payments-Log

Dan

I wanted to run through a few of the tough divorce questions my six-year-old has asked recently. For each question, I’ve provided my desired response, and my actual response…

Why did you and Mommy divorce, I didn’t see you fighting?

• Desired Response:  Sweetie, when two people get married they make a really, really, really big promise called a “vow.” Mommy isn’t very good at keeping vows.
• Actual Response:  I know it’s hard for you honey… Mommy and Daddy felt it would be better if we weren’t married anymore. We think everyone in the family will be happier, but it will take some time to get used to it. I know it can’t be easy for you that Mom and Dad made this decision.

Do you still love Mommy?

• Desired Response:  I love your Mom about at as much as I’d love to have a really sharp, red-hot poker jabbed into my eye repeatedly. Your Mom truly is the antichrist.
• Actual Response:  I love your Mom for giving me you and your sister, but we don’t love each other like married people do.

Is Mommy still your friend?

• Desired Response:  No. Friends don’t pull the kind of crap your Mom pulled for the past 15 years. Your Daddy is an absolute imbacile for putting up with it so long.
• Actual Response:  Of course she is. We both love you and want to be there for you and that’s what friends are for. (Note how I redirected the focus with that statement).

Will you and Mommy ever live together again?

• Desired Response:  Well, since I’m not planning on going to hell when I die, I’m fairly certain that we won’t.
• Actual Response:  No sweetie, we won’t. I know that’s hard for you to understand, but it will get easier in time. (This is the worst – I hate saying it to her, but I don’t want her to have false hopes that we will someday reconcile).

Do you still like Grandma (ex’s Mom)?

• Desired Response:   I couldn’t stand her before your Mom and I got married.
• Actual Response:  Of course, and she loves you too. (Again, the redirection…)

I’m not a psychologist, but I think I handled things okay. My daughter seemed comforted and that’s all that really matters. I realized very early on in the divorce process that me tearing down their Mom was only going to hurt them (and ultimately me in the end). Be smart and be an adult about it.

You may deplore your ex, but keep it to yourself when the kids are around.

This has been the single most difficult thing I have had to cope with. My divorce and the “loss” of my wife was a cakewalk compared to this. It’s hard when you want to see your child’s smile and hear their voice, but cannot. You are left with a feeling of loss and longing that no amount of snacking or comedy shows can satisfy.

After working all day, I was always excited to come home and see my girls. It made all the frustrations and stress of the work day worthwhile. It is challenging to find things to occupy or distract myself from that feeling. For now though, I keep their bedroom doors closed and do my best to put their things out of sight when they are away.

I imagine it will get easier in time – most things generally do. I hope so.

I’m just a few months divorced, yet I feel as though my time as a married man was a lifetime ago.  It’s even feeling like the divorce process and time spent on it has long since passed.  It sure as hell didn’t feel that way when I was in the middle of it. 

I remember wanting to know so badly how long the whole divorce process could take – what was the divorce time-line?  No one could give me a straight answer.  I now know why that is.  Each divorce takes on a life of it own; every divorce scenario is unique.  Still, my hope today is to provide you with some insight into the divorce process and the length of time you may be in it.

The following is my divorce time-line from start to finish.  Obviously, as I have already stated, each situation is unique and this time line should only be considered as a baseline.  My particular situation was not an easy, nor completely amiable one.  There were infidelity issues, custody issues, but thankfully, no money issues – which would have prolonged things even more.  Here is my divorce time-line by month:

• Month 1 (Jun 2008) – Clear that counseling is not going to fix the issues – divorce is eminent
• Month 2 (Jul 2008) – Divorce decision is made and announced to family – spent time on lawyer lookup sites trying to find the right lawyer, but ultimately found mine on referral of a friend – I met with the divorce attorney and filed for divorce
• Month 3 (Aug 2008) – Trying to do things cheap and amiably but not going to work out – wife retains her own lawyer
• Month 4 (Sep 2008) – My attorney sends over divorce agreement to be reviewed by wife’s attorney – all okay except custody is clearly going to be an issue
• Month 5 (Oct 2008) – Lawyers fan the flames and trade off letters / documents each seeking sole parental custody (very much due to our stupidity, the divorce now seems to be occurring between our lawyers).
• Month 6 (Nov 2008) – All hell is breaking loose – getting nasty – total breakdown in communication between wife and I
• Month 7 (Dec 2008) – Continued requests by me to resolve custody issue amiably between us ignored – lawyers lovin’ their receivables (I swear I could envision them both high-fiving each other in a bar somewhere)
• Month 8 (Jan 2009) – No real change – some bs court dates set, but the key issue of custody is still hanging out there without resolution
• Month 9 (Feb 2009) – Meet for four-way conference with wife and lawyers – total useless fiasco – lawyers have decided to request from judge that a trial date be set
• Month 10 (Mar 2009) – Court mandates that wife and I are to attend mandatory divorce mediation – three meetings max to attempt to resolve issues before trial.  First two meetings a total bust (aside from the zinger I got in about my wife and the whole football team – was really a good one).  Court-appointed mediator informs judge that we are pretty much stupid a-holes and there is no way to reach a resolution through mediation.
• Month 11 (Apr 2009) – Again request of my wife to sit down and resolve issue of custody with me – initiated some helpful, legal strong-arm tactics to make that happen – a verbal, then formal agreement is reached – lawyers draw up final divorce documents and notify the judge
• Month 12 (May 2009) – Met in court for the “proving-up” – divorce is finalized – free at last

So there you have it.  That’s my divorce time line – start to finish it took 12 months (or one year).  Realistically, this whole fiasco could have been wrapped up in 2 or 3 months if we had reached agreement on custody and relied less on lawyers.  But that’s divorce lawyers for you – they certainly like to stir the pot and watch the dollars float to the top.  We aren’t blameless either.  It’s hard when emotions like fear and anger get involved.

So, if you happen to be wondering how long your divorce will take, I hope my little time-line gives you something to think about.  I also hope it doesn’t take too long for you.  Hang in there…

Best, Dan

From my point of view, I love the fact that I am no longer seeing or hearing my ex-wife as often as before.  This is a good thing for me (and I’m sure for her as well).  Though I really couldn’t care-less about her or the goings on in her life, I can’t take that tone in my girls’ presence.  They love their mom (and should) and the only person I’d be hurting by denigrating their mom is them.

Overall, I’m really quite surprised at how well the girls have been dealing with their new lifestyle; it’s not an easy thing for a child to have to split their time between two different homes.  My six-year-old has done pretty well.  During the daytime, I’ve noticed that she doesn’t mention her mother very much.  Night can be more difficult for her (there is something about the night that can let hard feelings in even for adults).  We’ve had some tough conversations at bedtime.

It’s hard on her.  She has told me that when she’s at Mom’s she misses me, and when she’s with me she misses her mom.  She has told me that she didn’t hear us fighting and asks if we will ever live in the same house again.  I hate it.  I do not sugar-coat my responses to these questions – I tell her that Mommy and Daddy will never live in the same house again (I’m not a jerk about it, but I don’t want to leave a door open for her to have false hopes that we will ever get back together).  I try to be as sympathetic to her as I can, and let her know that her Mom and Dad lover her very much.  Still, it’s tough knowing that nothing I can say is really going to fix things for her – only time and routine will do that.

I know that my three-year-old doesn’t really understand the situation.  She seems to be adapting fairly well, but I have noticed some pain in her as well.  It’s really tough for her because she can’t clearly express what she is feeling, nor does she understand completely why she feels the way she does.  She just knows that she misses having Mommy and Daddy in the same house. 

Both girls have done some acting out – they are fighting all the time.  It’s not easy to determine how much of it is related to their age, and how much is frustration with the situation.  I’ve have to be very patient with them.  All I can do is create a routine, stable home environment while constantly reassuring them and showing them love. 

What have you found in your situation?  How have your kids adapted to your divorce or changed living situation?

I know, and have always known, that my ex-wife loves our daughters; they love her too. It’s in their best interest that she and I get along. I think it’s important that the love a parent has for their kids is stronger than the disgust they have for their ex-spouse. You’re doing your children no favors by fighting all the time (I know it must be horribly hard in some cases to avoid though). After nearly one year of fighting (mostly contained and away from the girls)… After spending thousands of dollars (potential college money) on scum-bag divorce lawyers… We finally agreed to share residential custody of our girls on a 50/50 basis.

We listed our family home with a realtor; neither my ex-wife, nor I, could afford the home on a single income. The home went on the market in September of 2008 and and finally sold last month. Our closing is set for mid-July. The house was sold at nearly a $70k loss. We picked the worst real estate market ever to have to sell our home… oh, well. It was absolutely necessary; we have all been living together throughout the divorce process and since it was finalized last month. The way I see it, $70k is really a small price to pay for freedom

With the house sold, it was time for me to figure out where I was going to live. As is common in divorce situations, it’s downsizing time. I found a nice, tiny, foreclosure property in a good neighborhood about one mile away. This would keep my eldest daughter in the school district where she had just attended kindergarten (an excellent school district). I made a bid and am currently in the final stages of aquiring the home (also set to close in mid-July). My ex-wife is moving into a small home about 10 miles away…

More to come…

The divorce diary is a vital record-keeping tool during divorce proceedings. You will be making your divorce lawyer’s job that much easier by record keeping. Please let me know if you have any questions or suggestions on how to improve this template…

Click here for the Microsoft Word Divorce Diary Template (Zipped – .zip)

Click here for the Adobe Reader (pdf version)

Both files are hosted on a mediafire.com server (free file hosting). The files will download from that location.

Take care!