My local county Health Department announced two days ago that they have the much-sought Swine Flu (H1N1) vaccine. They gave a phone number in the local paper to call and set an appointment to receive the vaccine; I called non-stop for 30 minutes and only got a busy-tone. Within twelve hours, it was announced that all the vaccines were accounted for. There was clearly not enough supply to meet demand. The word is that more vaccine is due in in the next coming days.

The vaccines are currently reserved for those with underlying medical conditions that could be further complicated by H1N1. These folks are rightfully first-priority in the distribution of the vaccine. The only other group the vaccine is available for includes 6-month to 24-year-olds. Both of my daughters fall into this group. At this point, I am going to try to get them the vaccine, but like many parents, I am a bit apprehensive about doing so.

What worries me about this particular H1N1 vaccine is that it was produced so quickly – maybe too quickly. There was only limited, short-term testing done on the vaccine and that scares me. I don’t claim to understand the production or medical process behind the development of this vaccine (or any other for that matter), but it is hard to place your children’s wellbeing in the hands of strangers. It is hard to fully trust with so much at risk.

Will you have your children vaccinated with the Swine Flu (H1N1) vaccine?

I’ve heard people say that their goal in raising their kids is for them to grow to be happy, healthy adults.  I can understand that, especially the healthy part.  Not to sound cold, but happiness doesn’t pay the bills, does it?

I believe that happiness is a byproduct of being content.  Going further, I think contentment is the result of trusting in one’s self, or confidence. 

More than anything, I want to raise my girls to be confident – comfortable in their own skin.  I want them to face a difficult situation as a challenge, not a set-back. 

I have compiled the following list of 50 ways to teach your child confidence.  Please keep in mind that this is directed mainly to raising younger-children.   Here goes:

1. Tell them you trust them.
2. Ask them for their opinion.
3. Let them fail – teach them to learn from failure.
4. Show them the value of persistence.
5. Take their feelings into consideration.
6. Set clear boundaries.
7. Listen when they are speaking to you.
8. Don’t interfere when they are creating.
9. Smile at them – often.
10. Compliment them.
11. Give them chores and household responsibilities.
12. Set clear expectations of them.
13. Display their artwork (no matter how ugly it is).
14. Let them do the interior designing in their bedroom.
15. Show them it is healthy to compete.
16. Teach them to win gracefully.
17. Teach them to lose gracefully.
18. Look at them when they are speaking to you.
19. Knock on their bedroom door and ask if you can enter.
20. Play with them.
21. Let them pick out their clothes (no matter how ridiculous they look).
22. Show them the importance of being organized.
23. Respect their privacy.
24. Keep them involved in extra-curricular activities.
25. Don’t place too much emphasis on good grades.
26. Focus on educational efforts and experiences.
27. Give them their own calendar.
28. Know their friend’s names.
29. Know their favorites (colors, foods, books, etc.)
30. Ask them to read to you.
31. Reward their good behavior.
32. Be consistent with disciplining them.
33. Let them show you their interests – then guide them.
34. Show them by example what it means to be charitable.
35. Teach them the value of money.
36. Expect their respect and show them the same.
37. Let them take risks without cautioning them too much.
38. Let them work out non-physical sibling fights.
39. Teach them the difference between “wants” and “needs.”
40. Teach them to save for something they want.
41. Let them know they are a valuable member of the family.
42. Ask them questions about their day.
43. Eat dinner together as often as possible (with no TV).
44. Let them prepare dinner for you.
45. Let them “teach” you what they are learning in school.
46. Hug them.
47. Don’t try to fix everything for them.
48. Ask them for help (household tasks, projects, etc).
49. Surprise them – let them know they are special to you.
50. Tell them you love them – often.

I would love to know your thoughts…  Please drop a line in the comments section. 

Take care, Dave

Though much of the information here is directed to the single-dad,  we can definately learn from single-moms too!  Check out the new Single Moms Rock! Carnival for some great info – and an included post from OmniSwami

Take Care,   Dave

I wanted to run through a few of the tough divorce questions my six-year-old has asked recently. For each question, I’ve provided my desired response, and my actual response…

Why did you and Mommy divorce, I didn’t see you fighting?

• Desired Response:  Sweetie, when two people get married they make a really, really, really big promise called a “vow.” Mommy isn’t very good at keeping vows.
• Actual Response:  I know it’s hard for you honey… Mommy and Daddy felt it would be better if we weren’t married anymore. We think everyone in the family will be happier, but it will take some time to get used to it. I know it can’t be easy for you that Mom and Dad made this decision.

Do you still love Mommy?

• Desired Response:  I love your Mom about at as much as I’d love to have a really sharp, red-hot poker jabbed into my eye repeatedly. Your Mom truly is the antichrist.
• Actual Response:  I love your Mom for giving me you and your sister, but we don’t love each other like married people do.

Is Mommy still your friend?

• Desired Response:  No. Friends don’t pull the kind of crap your Mom pulled for the past 15 years. Your Daddy is an absolute imbacile for putting up with it so long.
• Actual Response:  Of course she is. We both love you and want to be there for you and that’s what friends are for. (Note how I redirected the focus with that statement).

Will you and Mommy ever live together again?

• Desired Response:  Well, since I’m not planning on going to hell when I die, I’m fairly certain that we won’t.
• Actual Response:  No sweetie, we won’t. I know that’s hard for you to understand, but it will get easier in time. (This is the worst – I hate saying it to her, but I don’t want her to have false hopes that we will someday reconcile).

Do you still like Grandma (ex’s Mom)?

• Desired Response:   I couldn’t stand her before your Mom and I got married.
• Actual Response:  Of course, and she loves you too. (Again, the redirection…)

I’m not a psychologist, but I think I handled things okay. My daughter seemed comforted and that’s all that really matters. I realized very early on in the divorce process that me tearing down their Mom was only going to hurt them (and ultimately me in the end). Be smart and be an adult about it.

You may deplore your ex, but keep it to yourself when the kids are around.

Take care, Dave

It can be tough being a single-dad sharing the custody of your kids. Today has been a tough day for me. My girls have been with their mother for the past few days and I miss them dearly. It’s way too quiet in the house without them.

This has been the single most difficult thing I have had to cope with. My divorce and the “loss” of my wife was a cakewalk compared to this. It’s hard when you want to see your child’s smile and hear their voice, but cannot. You are left with a feeling of loss and longing that no amount of snacking or comedy shows can satisfy.

After working all day, I was always excited to come home and see my girls. It made all the frustrations and stress of the work day worthwhile. It is challenging to find things to occupy or distract myself from that feeling. For now though, I keep their bedroom doors closed and do my best to put their things out of sight when they are away.

I imagine it will get easier in time – most things generally do. I hope so.

Believe it single-dads!  The crock pot (or slow-cooker) is your friend.  I have not found an easier way to have an excellent home-cooked meal. 

I don’t need to tell you about how busy our lifestyle is.  We are always rushing.  We wake up get ourselves together then try to get the kids dressed, fed and moving.  We gather up school bags, homework, and lunches then run out the door with kids in tow.  We zip to school and/or daycare and drop the kids off then drive half-crazed to work.  We settle at the office and take our first deep breath of the morning before dealing with the everyday stresses of employment.

Later, as the clock nears quitting-time and our stomach growl with all the vigor of the cro-magnon man, we start to think about dinner.  We rush to get the kids from daycare, school, or a friend’s house fighting mind-bending traffic the whole way.  Our stomachs now growling with the intensity of a rabid pit bull.  What do you do?!  McDonald’s again?  KFC?  Mac & Cheese?!!  Dear God no!!  Pull yourself together!!


Remember how you planned ahead last night?  You packed the kids lunches, laid out their clothes, and gathered their school things.  Good man.  Now, add just one more simple step that really shouldn’t take you more than 10 or 15 minutes (I do this after the girls go to sleep).  Get out that slow-cooker and prepare you meal for tomorrow night (I actually picked up a new, stainless-steel one at the local Target store for $15 and it works great).

Grab the necessary items that will make up your culinary masterpiece; there are slow-cooker recipes all over the internet.  Dump the required savory bits into the crock pot, cover and place in the fridge for the next morning.

The next morning, somewhere between yelling at the kids to get their shoes on and feeding the cats, take that crock pot out of the fridge and saddle-it-up in the heating container (I should note that I almost always use the “LOW” setting and let me dinners cook for close to 12 hours before eating).  Now, continue on with the rest of your insane morning schedule.  But know this, master-of-the-morning-rush:  Tonight, the aroma of a fine, home-cooked meal will greet you and the kids at the door (and chances are good that it will cost less and take less time then a call for a delivered pizza).

With my divorce and custody-related fighting behind me now, I’ve had some time to reflect on the whole situation.  It’s funny how quickly you can adapt to major life changes. 

I’m just a few months divorced, yet I feel as though my time as a married man was a lifetime ago.  It’s even feeling like the divorce process and time spent on it has long since passed.  It sure as hell didn’t feel that way when I was in the middle of it. 

I remember wanting to know so badly how long the whole divorce process could take – what was the divorce timeline?  No one could give me a straight answer.  I now know why that is.  Each divorce takes on a life of it own; every divorce scenario is unique.  Still, my hope today is to provide you with some insight into the divorce process and the length of time you may be in it.

The following is my divorce timeline from start to finish.  Obviously, as I have already stated, each situation is unique and this timeline should only be considered as a baseline.  My particular situation was not an easy, nor completely amiable one.  There were infidelity issues, custody issues, but thankfully, no money issues – which would have prolonged things even more.  Here is my divorce timeline by month:

• Month 1 (Jun 2008) – Clear that counseling is not going to fix the issues – divorce is eminent
• Month 2 (Jul 2008) – Divorce decision is made and announced to family – spent time on lawyer lookup sites trying to find the right lawyer, but ultimately found mine on referral of a friend – I met with the divorce attorney and filed for divorce
• Month 3 (Aug 2008) – Trying to do things cheap and amiably but not going to work out – wife retains her own lawyer
• Month 4 (Sep 2008) – My attorney sends over divorce agreement to be reviewed by wife’s attorney – all okay except custody is clearly going to be an issue
• Month 5 (Oct 2008) – Lawyers fan the flames and trade off letters / documents each seeking sole parental custody (very much due to our stupidity, the divorce now seems to be occurring between our lawyers).
• Month 6 (Nov 2008) – All hell is breaking loose – getting nasty – total breakdown in communication between wife and I
• Month 7 (Dec 2008) – Continued requests by me to resolve custody issue amiably between us ignored – lawyers lovin’ their receivables (I swear I could envision them both high-fiving each other in a bar somewhere)
• Month 8 (Jan 2009) – No real change – some bs court dates set, but the key issue of custody is still hanging out there without resolution
• Month 9 (Feb 2009) – Meet for four-way conference with wife and lawyers – total useless fiasco – lawyers have decided to request from judge that a trial date be set
• Month 10 (Mar 2009) – Court mandates that wife and I are to attend mandatory divorce mediation – three meetings max to attempt to resolve issues before trial.  First two meetings a total bust (aside from the zinger I got in about my wife and the whole football team – was really a good one).  Court-appointed mediator informs judge that we are pretty much stupid a-holes and there is no way to reach a resolution through mediation.
• Month 11 (Apr 2009) – Again request of my wife to sit down and resolve issue of custody with me – initiated some helpful, legal strong-arm tactics to make that happen – a verbal, then formal agreement is reached – lawyers draw up final divorce documents and notify the judge
• Month 12 (May 2009) – Met in court for the “proving-up” – divorce is finalized – free at last

So there you have it.  That’s my divorce timeline – start to finish it took 12 months (or one year).  Realistically, this whole fiasco could have been wrapped up in 2 or 3 months if we had reached agreement on custody and relied less on lawyers.  But that’s divorce lawyers for you – they certainly like to stir the pot and watch the dollars float to the top.  We aren’t blameless either.  It’s hard when emotions like fear and anger get involved.

So, if you happen to be wondering how long your divorce will take, I hope my little timeline gives you something to think about.  I also hope it doesn’t take too long for you.  Hang in there…

Best, Dave

A little over one month ago, I moved into my new home a single, divorced father.  My daughters, now ages six and three, spend nearly 50% of their time with me (the other time is spent with their mother).  Here are some of the things that I’ve learned about our new situation thus far…

From my point of view, I love the fact that I am no longer seeing or hearing my ex-wife as often as before.  This is a good thing for me (and I’m sure for her as well).  Though I really couldn’t care-less about her or the goings on in her life, I can’t take that tone in my girls’ presence.  They love their mom (and should) and the only person I’d be hurting by denigrating their mom is them.

Overall, I’m really quite surprised at how well the girls have been dealing with their new lifestyle; it’s not an easy thing for a child to have to split their time between two different homes.  My six-year-old has done pretty well.  During the daytime, I’ve noticed that she doesn’t mention her mother very much.  Night can be more difficult for her (there is something about the night that can let hard feelings in even for adults).  We’ve had some tough conversations at bedtime.

It’s hard on her.  She has told me that when she’s at Mom’s she misses me, and when she’s with me she misses her mom.  She has told me that she didn’t hear us fighting and asks if we will ever live in the same house again.  I hate it.  I do not sugar-coat my responses to these questions – I tell her that Mommy and Daddy will never live in the same house again (I’m not a jerk about it, but I don’t want to leave a door open for her to have false hopes that we will ever get back together).  I try to be as sympathetic to her as I can, and let her know that her Mom and Dad lover her very much.  Still, it’s tough knowing that nothing I can say is really going to fix things for her – only time and routine will do that.

I know that my three-year-old doesn’t really understand the situation.  She seems to be adapting fairly well, but I have noticed some pain in her as well.  It’s really tough for her because she can’t clearly express what she is feeling, nor does she understand completely why she feels the way she does.  She just knows that she misses having Mommy and Daddy in the same house. 

Both girls have done some acting out – they are fighting all the time.  It’s not easy to determine how much of it is related to their age, and how much is frustration with the situation.  I’ve have to be very patient with them.  All I can do is create a routine, stable home environment while constantly reassuring them and showing them love. 

What have you found in your situation?  How have your kids adapted to your divorce or changed living situation?

I wanted to do a quick post on tantrums after watching a kid repeatedly smacking his mom (on the arm) in the grocery store this weekend.  The kid was whining the whole time…  Holy-crap he was annoying!  The mother though, made me sick to my stomach.  She just ignored the behavior and did nothing to change it; she seemed totally oblivious, worn-down.  No parent should accept, not even for a moment, this kind of behavior from their kid.

So what would I have done?  The first time my child smacked my arm, I would have picked him up out of the grocery cart and started heading for the front door of the store (I’m guessing at this point that my kid would have that ‘oh-shit-now-I’ve-done-it’ look).  We’d continue to the car in the parking lot where my child would be returned to his seat as I said firmly, “You have a time-out.”  I would close the door and stand outside the car for the duration of the time-out.  Once completed, I would ask my young offender if they knew why they received the time-out.  I’d indicate that it is never acceptable to strike their parents.  Next, I’d ask if their behavior was going to change.  I would evaluate the current situation and make a decision to return to the store or head home.

I do believe that tantrums have to be actively addressed.  If you are going to ‘ignore’ the tantrum, do so consciously.  I don’t believe in outright ignoring my kid’s whining or tantrums.  I think it’s best to acknowledge their feelings, but to firmly reiterate my position.  Obviously, there are quite a few factors that go into how I’ll respond from there.  It depends on the situation, location, and severity of their whining.  I’ll usually warn them that they will get a time-out if they keep whining, etc.  If their poor behavior continues after that warning, they’ll get a time-out.  Other times, I find it best to let my kiddo know that I will listen to them when they are calm, then proceed to ‘ignore’ (as if you really can ignore it) their behavior.

There is a secondary benefit to responding this way to your kid’s tantrums and whining.  Young children learn more from their own observations than from being told.  By not displaying a strong reaction to your kid’s spazz-fest, your child will learn from your behavior.  They will learn that adults remain calm and thoughtful in difficult situations.  This concept will not ‘take’ unless you can consistently model this response to their poor behavior.  The hope is that in time, they too will model this behavior.

How about you?  What do you do?  What works for you when your child is having a tantrum?

My ex-wife and I were married for nine years. We have two daughters, ages six and two. You may be able to surmise from some of the prior posts here that the divorce process was a bit contentious for us. How nice it would have been if once finalized, the divorce would have cut our ties clean requiring no further interaction between us. Unfortunately, that’s just not realistic when you have children together (and it shouldn’t be).

I know, and have always known, that my ex-wife loves our daughters; they love her too. It’s in their best interest that she and I get along. I think it’s important that the love a parent has for their kids is stronger than the disgust they have for their ex-spouse. You’re doing your children no favors by fighting all the time (I know it must be horribly hard in some cases to avoid though). After nearly one year of fighting (mostly contained and away from the girls)… After spending thousands of dollars (potential college money) on scum-bag divorce lawyers… We finally agreed to share residential custody of our girls on a 50/50 basis.

We listed our family home with a realtor; neither my ex-wife, nor I, could afford the home on a single income. The home went on the market in September of 2008 and and finally sold last month. Our closing is set for mid-July. The house was sold at nearly a $70k loss. We picked the worst real estate market ever to have to sell our home… oh, well. It was absolutely necessary; we have all been living together throughout the divorce process and since it was finalized last month. The way I see it, $70k is really a small price to pay for freedom

With the house sold, it was time for me to figure out where I was going to live. As is common in divorce situations, it’s downsizing time. I found a nice, tiny, foreclosure property in a good neighborhood about one mile away. This would keep my eldest daughter in the school district where she had just attended kindergarten (an excellent school district). I made a bid and am currently in the final stages of aquiring the home (also set to close in mid-July). My ex-wife is moving into a small home about 10 miles away…

More to come…