Believe it single-dads!  The crock pot (or slow-cooker) is your friend.  I have not found an easier way to have an excellent home-cooked meal. 

I don’t need to tell you about how busy our lifestyle is.  We are always rushing.  We wake up get ourselves together then try to get the kids dressed, fed and moving.  We gather up school bags, homework, and lunches then run out the door with kids in tow.  We zip to school and/or daycare and drop the kids off then drive half-crazed to work.  We settle at the office and take our first deep breath of the morning before dealing with the everyday stresses of employment.

Later, as the clock nears quitting-time and our stomach growl with all the vigor of the cro-magnon man, we start to think about dinner.  We rush to get the kids from daycare, school, or a friend’s house fighting mind-bending traffic the whole way.  Our stomachs now growling with the intensity of a rabid pit bull.  What do you do?!  McDonald’s again?  KFC?  Mac & Cheese?!!  Dear God no!!  Pull yourself together!!

Remember how you planned ahead last night?  You packed the kids lunches, laid out their clothes, and gathered their school things.  Good man.  Now, add just one more simple step that really shouldn’t take you more than 10 or 15 minutes (I do this after the girls go to sleep).  Get out that slow-cooker and prepare you meal for tomorrow night (I actually picked up a new, stainless-steel one at the local Target store for $15 and it works great).

Grab the necessary items that will make up your culinary masterpiece; there are slow-cooker recipes all over the internet.  Dump the required savory bits into the crock pot, cover and place in the fridge for the next morning.

The next morning, somewhere between yelling at the kids to get their shoes on and feeding the cats, take that crock pot out of the fridge and saddle-it-up in the heating container (I should note that I almost always use the “LOW” setting and let me dinners cook for close to 12 hours before eating).  Now, continue on with the rest of your insane morning schedule.  But know this, master-of-the-morning-rush:  Tonight, the aroma of a fine, home-cooked meal will greet you and the kids at the door (and chances are good that it will cost less and take less time then a call for a delivered pizza).

With my divorce and custody-related fighting behind me now, I’ve had some time to reflect on the whole situation.  It’s funny how quickly you can adapt to major life changes. 

I’m just a few months divorced, yet I feel as though my time as a married man was a lifetime ago.  It’s even feeling like the divorce process and time spent on it has long since passed.  It sure as hell didn’t feel that way when I was in the middle of it. 

I remember wanting to know so badly how long the whole divorce process could take – what was the divorce time-line?  No one could give me a straight answer.  I now know why that is.  Each divorce takes on a life of it own; every divorce scenario is unique.  Still, my hope today is to provide you with some insight into the divorce process and the length of time you may be in it.

The following is my divorce time-line from start to finish.  Obviously, as I have already stated, each situation is unique and this time line should only be considered as a baseline.  My particular situation was not an easy, nor completely amiable one.  There were infidelity issues, custody issues, but thankfully, no money issues – which would have prolonged things even more.  Here is my divorce time-line by month:

• Month 1 (Jun 2008) – Clear that counseling is not going to fix the issues – divorce is eminent
• Month 2 (Jul 2008) – Divorce decision is made and announced to family – spent time on lawyer lookup sites trying to find the right lawyer, but ultimately found mine on referral of a friend – I met with the divorce attorney and filed for divorce
• Month 3 (Aug 2008) – Trying to do things cheap and amiably but not going to work out – wife retains her own lawyer
• Month 4 (Sep 2008) – My attorney sends over divorce agreement to be reviewed by wife’s attorney – all okay except custody is clearly going to be an issue
• Month 5 (Oct 2008) – Lawyers fan the flames and trade off letters / documents each seeking sole parental custody (very much due to our stupidity, the divorce now seems to be occurring between our lawyers).
• Month 6 (Nov 2008) – All hell is breaking loose – getting nasty – total breakdown in communication between wife and I
• Month 7 (Dec 2008) – Continued requests by me to resolve custody issue amiably between us ignored – lawyers lovin’ their receivables (I swear I could envision them both high-fiving each other in a bar somewhere)
• Month 8 (Jan 2009) – No real change – some bs court dates set, but the key issue of custody is still hanging out there without resolution
• Month 9 (Feb 2009) – Meet for four-way conference with wife and lawyers – total useless fiasco – lawyers have decided to request from judge that a trial date be set
• Month 10 (Mar 2009) – Court mandates that wife and I are to attend mandatory divorce mediation – three meetings max to attempt to resolve issues before trial.  First two meetings a total bust (aside from the zinger I got in about my wife and the whole football team – was really a good one).  Court-appointed mediator informs judge that we are pretty much stupid a-holes and there is no way to reach a resolution through mediation.
• Month 11 (Apr 2009) – Again request of my wife to sit down and resolve issue of custody with me – initiated some helpful, legal strong-arm tactics to make that happen – a verbal, then formal agreement is reached – lawyers draw up final divorce documents and notify the judge
• Month 12 (May 2009) – Met in court for the “proving-up” – divorce is finalized – free at last

So there you have it.  That’s my divorce time line – start to finish it took 12 months (or one year).  Realistically, this whole fiasco could have been wrapped up in 2 or 3 months if we had reached agreement on custody and relied less on lawyers.  But that’s divorce lawyers for you – they certainly like to stir the pot and watch the dollars float to the top.  We aren’t blameless either.  It’s hard when emotions like fear and anger get involved.

So, if you happen to be wondering how long your divorce will take, I hope my little time-line gives you something to think about.  I also hope it doesn’t take too long for you.  Hang in there…

Best, Dan

A little over one month ago, I moved into my new home a single, divorced father.  My daughters, now ages six and three, spend nearly 50% of their time with me (the other time is spent with their mother).  Here are some of the things that I’ve learned about our new situation thus far…

From my point of view, I love the fact that I am no longer seeing or hearing my ex-wife as often as before.  This is a good thing for me (and I’m sure for her as well).  Though I really couldn’t care-less about her or the goings on in her life, I can’t take that tone in my girls’ presence.  They love their mom (and should) and the only person I’d be hurting by denigrating their mom is them.

Overall, I’m really quite surprised at how well the girls have been dealing with their new lifestyle; it’s not an easy thing for a child to have to split their time between two different homes.  My six-year-old has done pretty well.  During the daytime, I’ve noticed that she doesn’t mention her mother very much.  Night can be more difficult for her (there is something about the night that can let hard feelings in even for adults).  We’ve had some tough conversations at bedtime.

It’s hard on her.  She has told me that when she’s at Mom’s she misses me, and when she’s with me she misses her mom.  She has told me that she didn’t hear us fighting and asks if we will ever live in the same house again.  I hate it.  I do not sugar-coat my responses to these questions – I tell her that Mommy and Daddy will never live in the same house again (I’m not a jerk about it, but I don’t want to leave a door open for her to have false hopes that we will ever get back together).  I try to be as sympathetic to her as I can, and let her know that her Mom and Dad lover her very much.  Still, it’s tough knowing that nothing I can say is really going to fix things for her – only time and routine will do that.

I know that my three-year-old doesn’t really understand the situation.  She seems to be adapting fairly well, but I have noticed some pain in her as well.  It’s really tough for her because she can’t clearly express what she is feeling, nor does she understand completely why she feels the way she does.  She just knows that she misses having Mommy and Daddy in the same house. 

Both girls have done some acting out – they are fighting all the time.  It’s not easy to determine how much of it is related to their age, and how much is frustration with the situation.  I’ve have to be very patient with them.  All I can do is create a routine, stable home environment while constantly reassuring them and showing them love. 

What have you found in your situation?  How have your kids adapted to your divorce or changed living situation?

I wanted to do a quick post on tantrums after watching a kid repeatedly smacking his mom (on the arm) in the grocery store this weekend.  The kid was whining the whole time…  Holy-crap he was annoying!  The mother though, made me sick to my stomach.  She just ignored the behavior and did nothing to change it; she seemed totally oblivious, worn-down.  No parent should accept, not even for a moment, this kind of behavior from their kid.

So what would I have done?  The first time my child smacked my arm, I would have picked him up out of the grocery cart and started heading for the front door of the store (I’m guessing at this point that my kid would have that ‘oh-shit-now-I’ve-done-it’ look).  We’d continue to the car in the parking lot where my child would be returned to his seat as I said firmly, “You have a time-out.”  I would close the door and stand outside the car for the duration of the time-out.  Once completed, I would ask my young offender if they knew why they received the time-out.  I’d indicate that it is never acceptable to strike their parents.  Next, I’d ask if their behavior was going to change.  I would evaluate the current situation and make a decision to return to the store or head home.

I do believe that tantrums have to be actively addressed.  If you are going to ‘ignore’ the tantrum, do so consciously.  I don’t believe in outright ignoring my kid’s whining or tantrums.  I think it’s best to acknowledge their feelings, but to firmly reiterate my position.  Obviously, there are quite a few factors that go into how I’ll respond from there.  It depends on the situation, location, and severity of their whining.  I’ll usually warn them that they will get a time-out if they keep whining, etc.  If their poor behavior continues after that warning, they’ll get a time-out.  Other times, I find it best to let my kiddo know that I will listen to them when they are calm, then proceed to ‘ignore’ (as if you really can ignore it) their behavior.

There is a secondary benefit to responding this way to your kid’s tantrums and whining.  Young children learn more from their own observations than from being told.  By not displaying a strong reaction to your kid’s spazz-fest, your child will learn from your behavior.  They will learn that adults remain calm and thoughtful in difficult situations.  This concept will not ‘take’ unless you can consistently model this response to their poor behavior.  The hope is that in time, they too will model this behavior.

How about you?  What do you do?  What works for you when your child is having a tantrum?

My ex-wife and I were married for nine years. We have two daughters, ages six and two. You may be able to surmise from some of the prior posts here that the divorce process was a bit contentious for us. How nice it would have been if once finalized, the divorce would have cut our ties clean requiring no further interaction between us. Unfortunately, that’s just not realistic when you have children together (and it shouldn’t be).

I know, and have always known, that my ex-wife loves our daughters; they love her too. It’s in their best interest that she and I get along. I think it’s important that the love a parent has for their kids is stronger than the disgust they have for their ex-spouse. You’re doing your children no favors by fighting all the time (I know it must be horribly hard in some cases to avoid though). After nearly one year of fighting (mostly contained and away from the girls)… After spending thousands of dollars (potential college money) on scum-bag divorce lawyers… We finally agreed to share residential custody of our girls on a 50/50 basis.

We listed our family home with a realtor; neither my ex-wife, nor I, could afford the home on a single income. The home went on the market in September of 2008 and and finally sold last month. Our closing is set for mid-July. The house was sold at nearly a $70k loss. We picked the worst real estate market ever to have to sell our home… oh, well. It was absolutely necessary; we have all been living together throughout the divorce process and since it was finalized last month. The way I see it, $70k is really a small price to pay for freedom

With the house sold, it was time for me to figure out where I was going to live. As is common in divorce situations, it’s downsizing time. I found a nice, tiny, foreclosure property in a good neighborhood about one mile away. This would keep my eldest daughter in the school district where she had just attended kindergarten (an excellent school district). I made a bid and am currently in the final stages of aquiring the home (also set to close in mid-July). My ex-wife is moving into a small home about 10 miles away…

More to come…

“As soon as you’re born you start dying… So you might as well have a good time.” Cake – Sheep Go To Heaven

It’s clear that it is an unavoidable, certain fact that we all die. I used to fear dying outright, but as I’ve grown older and now have a couple of children, that fear has changed. It’s a more practical fear now. Don’t get me wrong, the fear of dying is still there, though it’s not so much a fear of dying itself. These days I find myself being more afraid of leaving my young children behind. Am I prepared to die? Heavy.

Today I’ll discuss a few key points to consider regarding some simple preperations for the inevitable big sleep. When done right, you can help to ease a difficult time for your loved ones. When done wrong or not at all, your loved ones may wish to raise you from the dead so they can kill you. After all, there are some loose ends that will need to be addressed after you pass into the unknown. Some basic organization and planning can make things a whole lot easier for those you leave behind.

The following are three key points to address prior to meeting your demise:

1. Life Insurance – Be sure you have life insurance (and the necessary amount of coverage). There is ample information available out there regarding policy types and coverage. Don’t forget to take into consideration your loved one’s current and planned future residential requirements, college, expenses, etc.
2. Legal – Have a current and up to date Last Will and Testament that clearly outlines your wishes. Setup a Power of Attorney and any Trusts as necessary. Speak to a lawyer (I know – yuck). Many of these services are covered under employer-sponsored legal service plans (check your benefits and availability – you could save a lot of money doing this). Don’t forget to research if you need a living will. It is almost always a good idea to have a living will.
3. Organize – If you have all your information together, your loved-ones will just rave about how easy you made things for them (not that you’ll really care I guess). Really, look at your pile of bills and that messy file cabinet… If you have stuff scattered all over and it’s hard for you to find, what do you think it will be like for your loved ones when they are already grief-stricken? If you must work with paper, prepare a binder of all important documents including copies of:

• Your Last Will and Testament, Living Will, and other legal documents
• Loan information
• List of credititors with all contact information (credit cards, home loans, auto loans, etc.)
• List of household utility bills and contact information
• List of important contacts (lawyer, doctor, accountant, etc.)
• Banking and investments information (checking, savings, 401k, etc.)
• Key medical information (you and your children)
• Social Security cards (you and children)
• Birth Certificates (you and children)
• Family health insurance
• Letters for loved ones
• Passwords and account information (ATM pins, internet accounts, email, etc.)
• Any special instructions you might have (where to find your stack of dirty magazines to get rid of)

Seal the information in a large envelope and give it to a trusted friend or loved one. I gave my copies to my brother who is also the Executor of my Last Will and Testament. It may also be best to keep a copy of everything in a safe deposit box.

**NOTE** I have organized all of these and more electronically using a simple program. All of the information with electronic copies of the documents is clearly organized and placed on a $10 flash drive. I will discuss this program and how I used it in a post in the next week…

I have to admit that I procrastinated for quite some time prior to doing this. It was always there in the back of my mind, nagging away. I knew I needed to do this. Realistically, it didn’t take very much to do get this all done. For me, less that $250 and less than a month to do it all (and definately not working the whole time). There is a peace of mind that came with doing all this… I no longer have that nagging feeling and I have some comfort in knowing my kids will be cared for.

Death is something the vast majority of us hope to avoid for a long, long time. It took me a couple of bad car accidents before I really became determined to get this stuff done. You owe it to your loved ones to put them in the best possible position after you depart. It doesn’t take much work to get this together – get it done.

Click here for Part II – Where to Organize Your Personal Information

OmniSwami.com – Life, Family, Parenting, Opinions, Tips and more…

Does age six sound too young to begin paying a child allowance? I don’t think so. Short of sounding like that annoying, my-kid-is-the-best parent, I know my kiddo is ready. How do I know? These are the factors I used to evaluate my daughter’s readiness to receive an allowance:

$ She brings home money-related worksheets from school (counting coins, etc).

$ She has a base knowledge of simple addition and subtraction.

$ She too often leaves out must-have toys that regularly meet their demise at the paws of two all-too-eager domestic tabby cats.

$ She regularly expresses an interest in buying or paying for things herself.

$ She way too regularly expresses an interest in me buying or paying for things for her.

• $2 per week base allowance
• Potential to receive an additional $4 per week upon successful completion of required responsibilities
• Will receive one warning or reminder to improve her behavior or to complete her required duties. There will be no second warnings – a red card will be issued. (What is a ‘red card’ you ask? It is a card colored red – that’s it – no mystery there.)
• If three red cards are issued in any one week, the $4 portion of the allowance is forfeited. (She does still get the $2… She’s got to have something to work with if she’s going to learn anything, right?) ***NOTE: I was going to include a red card appeals process in the contract. This would allow my daughter to have her arguement heard by an external third-party individual. I felt a safeguard should be put in place in the event we ever became too power-hungry and unjustifiably dispersed red cards. My ex-spouse thought this process was unnecessary and a bit excessive – perhaps.

“The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.” – Thich Nhat Hanh

The following is a collection of 25 key divorce tips that I compiled after going through the situation first-hand. I found that good divorce advice for this particular situation was hard to find. If you are depending on divorce lawyers to give you the best advice in this situation, think again…

1.
Absolutely keep a daily diary or log (it is probably in your best interest to not let your spouse know you are doing this). I maintained mine online using Google Docs. This is your new friend – IT IS A MUST!!! DO NOT DROP THE BALL ON THIS ONE!!! I was told by my lawyer to jot down some notes on a calendar regarding my spouse’s comings and goings, discussions, etc. – this is the very least you should do – EVERYDAY!!! My log is easily over 200 pages single-spaced – I admit I may be a bit extreme, but in this case the more information you have the better. Record things like: discussions, significant events, witnesses to discussions and events, comings and goings (you and your spouse), times left and returned, alcohol and drug use, appointments, legal events, spouses car mileage, etc. Just the facts – when and if you need this information in the future, no one will care about your feelings. When writing, be as objective as you can (remember you are biased) – do not embellish or try to make you spouse look bad – it won’t help or work. Keep your log up to date, and organized. WRITE & RECORD INFORMATION EVERY DAY!!! DO IT!!!