When I started up again, I made a deal with myself that I was only going to be ‘temporarily addicted’ to nicotine, and would quit again once the divorce was finalized. The divorce was finalized over a year ago. My temporary addiction theory didn’t play-out as I had anticipated. For months now, I have been trying to find the right time to quit smoking. For me, there will never be a right time to quit.

Now, here I am again, in a place I swore I would never return to. I wouldn’t say it’s hellish, but the withdrawl stinks. I’m very unsettled, anxious. I know I can do it though, having successfully quit for one year once before.

This time around, I have to remember why it is that they say you cannot use nicotine ever again. Only an idiot thinks they can control an addiction without abstaining. Boy, was I an idiot.

I used to think it was the silence, or possibly even the dark, that allowed memories to overcome me. Now, I’m certain it is neither of those. It’s the absence of distraction, the busy-work we call living.

It is said that we remember virtually everything. All of it stored in a complex mesh of cells, proteins, and electrical charges. Each fragmented memory in a bubble of amino acids waiting to be zapped back to life via recall. In this sense, I suppose memories are physical matter. They are as much a part of us as our heart, lungs, and kidneys.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know the exact location, the exact address in your mind, where each memory resides? Perhaps someday we’ll get there, and we’ll have the ability to extract certain memories so they can no longer keep us from our rest, in the silent, dark night.

The list below is not ordered by level of importance. Also, it is not the ultimate truth; not every Borderline Disordered person will exhibit all of these traits. Please understand that these are generalizations based upon my direct experience with an ex-girlfriend who undoubtably had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Many ‘normal’ people will at times exhibit some of these traits. The difference between a ‘normal’ person and the disordered person is that these traits will persist over an extended period of time and the intensity with which these traits are exhibited will be perverse.

Many of these were red-flags that I noticed early on in my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. If you have witnessed some of these behaviors in your relationship, I suggest you tread carefully.

1. Their words do not match their actions.
2. Your gut / instincts tell you something is not right.
3. They seem too good to be true.
4. They villainize past significant others.
5. They do not have many friends.
6. The friendships they do have seem shallow.
7. They have an abusive and/or controlling parent.
8. They do not accept responsibility and are blameless for their actions.
9. Chances are they abuse alcohol and/or drugs.
10. They are secretive and hide things from you.
11. They try to keep you to from your friends or family.
12. They are physically attractive.
13. They lie.
14. They are impulsive.
15. They fall in love with you way too quickly.
16. They say what you want to hear.
17. They push you away and quickly pull you back.
18. You never feel completely secure about where you stand with them.
19. They have evidence of self-injury.
20. The sex is amazing beyond belief.
21. They quickly cycle through varying emotions.
22. They have friends of the opposite sex that make you uncomfortable.
23. They are always texting or chatting online.
24. They have distant, empty eyes.
25. They have acute, unwarranted emotional reactions.

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted a desktop wallpaper. I was copying some photos off my digital camera when I came across this photo from earlier this summer. This was taken outside when I was waiting to catch a train home.

This really isn’t a flower – it’s actually a weed. There were a few that had purple heads left on them. I just happened to find the one that had this really pretty, vibrant fly (or bee?) on it.  I found the photo quite zen-like.

This photo proved to me that there truly is beauty in nature everywhere. This is probably one of my favorite nature shots, and it was taken ten feet from the train tracks in an urban environment. I’m glad I took the time to “smell the roses.” Enjoy

I just finished reading this article on the nasty divorce and custody issues that have plagued Christie Brinkley and her ex-husband, Peter Cook.  Christie tells reporters to “google divorcing a narcissist” to get an idea of how her divorce has played out.  Who going through a tough divorce doesn’t think the other person is a narcissist?

Going through a contentious divorce is bad enough, but custody fights will truly bring out the worst in a person.  Peter Cook may be a less-than-desirable person, but fighting for your kids is a good thing for a guy to do.  Why?  Many fathers do take the coward’s path and walk away.

It is easier to cut a check to your ex-wife each month and pop-in to your kid’s life every other weekend.  It’s far easier than facing the tough reality of the situation you are in.  The situation that you had a part of putting your kids in too.  That’s no father, and that certainly is no way to be a man.

A real father and man fights for his kids.  He fights until he exhausts every monetary, physical, and mental resource he has – then keeps fighting.  He fights until it kills him (and it may very well kill him in time).  Why?  Kids need their fathers in their lives and fathers are entitled to be there for their children.  Fathers are the other equal half of the parental equation.

My ex-wife continues to amaze me me with her sense of entitlement.  She has told me many times throughout our divorce and after, “I am their mother.”  Now, I realize that that is the case and that she too has an inherent right to be there for our children.  I do, however, find the context in which she has repeatedly used this phrase to be disgusting.  This is her only defense when she argues that she should have more time with our children than I.  She states this as if it is a given fact that mothers are MORE entitled.  Wrong.

I can accept that there are usually very valid arguments that underlay many stereotypes.  Historically, mothers have been the primary care-givers and nurturers in the family.   Women have worked hard to break in to the workplace.  Now, right now, men need to stand up and make it known that the traditional, stereotypical role of the father has forever changed.

What about you?  Father or mother, what have you encountered during your custody fight?  I’d love to hear your story.

Dan

In attempts to save as much money as possible on household expenses, I had decided to use my cellphone exclusively and drop my land line service.  I had used Vonage in the past, but didn’t want that recurring payment either.  In the first two weeks, I ran into a couple of problems with this strategy.

The first issue I encountered was poor signal reception – no bars, low bars, and dropped or missed calls. There were areas within my house that I dared not take my cellphone; these areas I came to call “signal-slayers.” The second problem was that I truly did not feel comfortable that my young children did not have a way to dial 911 should I drop dead in the backyard (or if some other emergency occurred). It was at this point that I determined that I had to have a backup home phone.

These are the requirements that I had for the new backup home phone service:

• The actual phone had to be a standard telephone (not a soft-phone or pc-based phone) that my children could easily operate.
• I did not want to have my computer on 24/7 in order to utilize the phone service.
• The phone service had to offer 911 (or E911 at the very least).
• The service had to be VERY affordable (the cheaper the better).

Based on these requirements, I investigated the following options…

VOIP Services like Vonage

Having used Vonage in the past, I felt the service worked well.  Though this service is cheaper than most standard phone lines, it still included taxes and fees that I found annoying.  I received a discount for paying annually, but I was still paying about $220 per year, and I wanted to pay less than that.  Vonage VOIP was not the right answer for me.

Other VOIP like Skype

Skype is more affordable no doubt, even with the $60 annual fee to have a dedicated phone number.  The problem, for me, was that the service would require my pc to be on at all times in order to make / receive calls (or a WIFI phone can be used, but that seemed too pricey for me).

Basic, Traditional Land-Line Service

I contacted ATT and the cheapest option they would offer me was $12/month + $7 tax ($19/month or $228/year for local service only – no long distance or local toll service included).  This option was clearly too expensive for the very limited service provided (and I hate paying all those bs taxes).

The Solution…

After reviewing my options, none really seemed to fit what I wanted.  I continued my search…  Eventually, I found a VOIP service called “Ooma.”  I had never heard of the service prior to stumbling upon they’re website.  Ooma has a business model that sets it apart from all the other VOIP services I found out there.  With Ooma, you pay only for the equipment; the service is free.

The one-time, upfront expense averages about $240.  This cost was comparable to all the other options that I had reviewed with one distinct difference – I never had to pay another dime for the service.  There are no monthly fees or access charges at all going forward.

I will continue in the near future with a review of the service after using it for a month.  I will also provide some information about Ooma’s features at that time.  Please check back soon!

Ooma Phone System