When I started up again, I made a deal with myself that I was only going to be ‘temporarily addicted’ to nicotine, and would quit again once the divorce was finalized. The divorce was finalized over a year ago. My temporary addiction theory didn’t play-out as I had anticipated. For months now, I have been trying to find the right time to quit smoking. For me, there will never be a right time to quit.

Now, here I am again, in a place I swore I would never return to. I wouldn’t say it’s hellish, but the withdrawl stinks. I’m very unsettled, anxious. I know I can do it though, having successfully quit for one year once before.

This time around, I have to remember why it is that they say you cannot use nicotine ever again. Only an idiot thinks they can control an addiction without abstaining. Boy, was I an idiot.

I don’t know why it is, but when I was a kid, having breakfast food for dinner seemed like a treat. To my mom, it was probably just a night off from having to cook a substantial meal for us, but regardless, I loved having breakfast food for dinner. It wasn’t like she dropped a bowl of cereal in front of us. We would have pancakes, or eggs and bacon, that kind of breakfast food.

Sometimes I’ll do similar for my kids, but I’ve changed it up a bit. Tonight, we had crepes for dinner. More specifically, we had fresh berry crepes. Here’s the simple recipe I use to make the crepes:

Ingredients

• 1 cup whole-grain all-purpose flour
• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup water
• 1/2 cup milk
• 2 Tbs melted butter
• 1/4 tsp salt

Combine the flour and 2 eggs, then slowly add the water, milk, melted butter, and salt.  Mix gently until evenly blended.  Heat a non-stick pan on med-high heat for about 2 minutes.  Spray pan with cooking spray, then pour some of the crepe batter onto the pan (about enough to cover a medium-size pan).   Cook for about 2 minutes then flip and let cook for about 1 more minute.  This recipe should make about 6 crepes.

Using the method above, I’ll cook each crepe individually.  I keep the oven on low and keep the crepes warm as I finishing cooking more or them.

I place one of the crepes on an empty plate and add a handful of blueberries and raspberries.  Next, I add a dollop of low-fat, organic vanilla yogurt.  After that, I wrap the crepe up, spray a little whip cream on top, and sprinkle a few random berries and a small amount of powdered-sugar to garnish.  Voila!  The crepe is ready to serve.

I usually get nothing but rave-reviews from my really picky kids.  Bon appetit!

The single-parent is charged with many varied and vast duties. I get up in the morning and have to get my two young kids going. My youngest can’t even dress herself yet. My oldest seems to get sidetracked somewhere between dressing and brushing teeth and often ends up playing with the cats. Meanwhile, I’m getting my sorry-butt in the shower, shaving, and trying to find a pair of matching-BLANKING socks. I get the kids fed, and pack lunches and we’re off to school or daycare, or just daycare, or school and Grandma’s, or any other crazed-combination of destinations. Now, I get to fight rush-hour traffic to work.

I work a full day, then run a pickup-route that corresponds to whichever combination of drop-offs I had in the morning (all the while hoping I can remember where the hell my kids are). We get home and feed the cats, have some dinner, get whatever needs to get done (yeah, right), and hopefully have a few minutes to play, watch a movie, or read together. Then it’s baths and bedtime for the kids and maybe some time for me to clean up the piles of clothes, clean, and so on. Keep in mind that while this average-day is going on, I’m constantly breaking up fights, attending to boo-boos, trying to give individual, focused attention, and I am dead-ass tired because I stayed up too late posting on this site.

So sometimes, sometimes I get a bit tired and flustered – stressed. That was how I was today when I nearly put my hands around my mother’s neck and squeezed… hard.

“Dan, your father and I struggled all the time. Do you think it was easy for us?”

I flat-out told her I would choke her if she continued. You see, mom was a stay-at-home mom. She had time. There WERE enough hours in the day to tidy up the house, do laundry, cook meals, and be a caring and focused parent. When she got stressed out, Dad stepped it up and maybe took us out for a while. When one of them was slipping, the other picked up the slack. When one of them was looking for support, the other was there for support. They made a great team and excellent parents.

Sometimes I wish I had a team… or maybe an army.

Without knowledge (mind-work), from where can emotions originate? They cannot come from nothing. Emotion is ALWAYS a reaction, secondary to knowledge. Emotions are generated from the internal analysis and processing of knowledge, logic, and reason. With no knowledge, we have no emotion. So, in an around-about way, emotions are formed from knowledge. I suppose this gives some validity to emotions… phew.

If I have the knowledge that my ex-grlfriend is truly no good for me, why then, am I still emotionally drawn to her. My first thought was the whole garbage-in, garbage-out theory. If I am emotionally drawn to her and that is bad, then my knowledge too, must be bad (or faulty at best). I believe, that this train-of-thought is generally accurate.

THEN IT HIT ME! What else can drive strong, difficult emotions in a person? Addiction. I was high as a kite when we were together. I have no doubt that a physiological / chemical change took place within me. It’s kinda’ scary to see this… The only reason I give her any thought at all, is because my body craves a fix.

I’ve come to believe that a man with no enemies is a spineless man plagued with low self-esteem, a man who bends (and eventually breaks). Believing in ourselves and what we value may not always be congruent with the values of others; people are going to disagree with us in life. People may even get miffed, or dislike us for what we believe, but that is okay.

Compromising who we are, our individual beliefs and values, is a long-term debt that our self-esteem will have to pay eventually. What we believe in our core, is a part of who we are. You cannot go against what you believe in your heart and maintain the same level of self-respect you had before doing so. Each line in the sand that is kicked away and re-drawn, brings us closer to losing who we know ourselves to be. How many politicians start-out with the best of intentions, only to compromise their values and pander to their constituents to win votes?

Our values and beliefs are the cornerstones of who we are. They support us, helping us to maintain a stable self-image of ourselves. You can only chisel-away at these cornerstones for so long before the entire structure collapses. Without our values and beliefs firmly in place, immovable, we begin to lose sight of who we are.

Yes, it is necessary to compromise or reevaluate maintaining values and beliefs that do not serve us well. However, what we believe and value at our core, what we know to be right, should never be compromised, not for money, not for politics, not for social acceptance, and not for love.

My ex-wife and I have known that our daughter would probably have some anxiety issues.  In fact, we’ve known the probability was pretty good for about 5 years now (since our daughter was about 3 years old).   To some degree, I find a little bit of comfort in that fact.  At that point in time, we were a seemingly happy, married couple and she was our little peanut.  I suppose the comfort comes in knowing that our divorce did not cause this (though it certainly doesn’t help it much either).

Even as young as age 2 and 3, we could already see some of her anxious tendencies and characteristics.  They were not hard for either my ex-wife or I to spot.  It was like looking into a mirror.  We both had had anxiety issues for most of our lives.  For me, I was blessed with the gift of General Anxiety and Panic Disorder.  Good times.  Thankfully, these were not sustained issues throughout all of my years; they would pop in on me periodically to keep me in my place whenever things were going too smoothly.  Well, diarrhea ain’t the only thing that runs in your, um… genes.

My daughter is a beautiful soul…  She has the most gentle, caring demeanor.  She is wise far (way too far) beyond her years.  I remember laying in bed with her when she was just 2 years-old.  She had asked if Baxter (my brother’s dog) was in Heaven now that he died.  All of these fine tidbits were acquired from her slightly older cousins; Baxter had died a week or so before.  She asked me if she will see him again since he died.  I probably should have just said yes, I know she was only 2, but it just didn’t feel right to lie to her.  I told her no.  After a pause of about ten seconds, I could already see the next question on her face…  “Daddy, will you die?”  She asked me already getting choked-up.  Before I could even answer, she made the realization we all make as humans, but it was a cruel gift to give a girl so tender such a logical mind…  Through tears and a broken voice, came THE question, “Daddy, will I die?”  It was a harsh realization that no 2 year-old should ever have to make.  It is these characteristics, her sensitivity, her logic, and her caring-nature, that together, act as a perfectly blended rocket-fuel that allows anxiety to blastoff.

Here we are now, today.  She is 8 years-old and what could once be controlled, seems to run wild.  When my daughter gets overly anxious now, it is on the verge of panic (a panic that no amount of consoling or rationalizing can quell).  It is a brutal, helpless feeling to watch a loved one hurt so, but progress is already being made…  We stood in the pouring rain and stood strong for one-minute through wind, thunder, and lightning, an unheard-of possibility just two-weeks ago.  Most of the minute was spent with nervous giggles and complaints about getting wet.  I’m glad we didn’t get struck by lightning…

In Part 3 of this series of posts, I will provide the specific resources and activities we are doing to help my daughter cope.

I used to think it was the silence, or possibly even the dark, that allowed memories to overcome me. Now, I’m certain it is neither of those. It’s the absence of distraction, the busy-work we call living.

It is said that we remember virtually everything. All of it stored in a complex mesh of cells, proteins, and electrical charges. Each fragmented memory in a bubble of amino acids waiting to be zapped back to life via recall. In this sense, I suppose memories are physical matter. They are as much a part of us as our heart, lungs, and kidneys.

Wouldn’t it be nice to know the exact location, the exact address in your mind, where each memory resides? Perhaps someday we’ll get there, and we’ll have the ability to extract certain memories so they can no longer keep us from our rest, in the silent, dark night.

I’m not a materialistic guy. I really don’t crave all the toys. It’s not something I say so you’ll think I’m above all that – I’m not. However, I do understand that one toy leads to another and so on… The toys and comforts in life aren’t all bad, they’re just not my greatest priority; they’d only bring me temporary happiness. Money can buy so much more.

Here’s how my happiness would be bought and increased 100%:

- I would no longer have to work at a job I hate and answer to people I loathe without worrying about paying the bills. +20% MORE HAPPY

- I would be able to focus my time around my kids’ days. No more scheduling or drop-off / pick-up issues. I’d have so much more energy to give them. +40% MORE HAPPY

- I could travel where and when I want, and often. +20% MORE HAPPY

- I could do things that actually make an impact in the world and bring a sense of value to my work (charity). +10% MORE HAPPY

- I could transport my kids to and from school and activities in my Porsche. +10% MORE HAPPY

What? I deserve the Porsche. Let’s just call it a sprinkle of necessary materialism… A busy single-dad’s gotta’ get around, right?

1. Resorting to online-dating sites like Match.com or eHarmony.com does not indicate failure on your part.  These sites are a great way to meet like-minded women with equally busy lifestyles.
2. Start an exercise regiment – getting toned and healthy will improve your self-confidence and overall health.
3. Quit smoking.  The vast majority of women I have encountered highly-disapprove of smoking.  It can flat out kill your chances with many women.
4. Keep your bachelor-pad clean.
5. If you’re losing your hair, don’t try to hide it.  Keep your hair short and neat or shave it all off – embrace it, don’t try to replace it.
6. Trim your damned nose-hair… often.
7. Trim or pluck out ear-hair… very often.
8. Always wear deodorant.
9. Wear a masculine cologne, but do not bathe in it…
10. If you are wearing shorts, lose the tube-socks.  White socks (when worn with shorts) should not extend above your ankles.
11. Wear clean, decent-looking (not all-white) gym shoes when wearing shorts.  The ankle socks with clean gym shoes will give you a more sporty, youthful appearance.
12. Wear clothes that fit you.  I personally prefer athletic-fitting shirts.  I used to wear XL-sized shirts because they were more comfortable and made my small/thin frame appear larger…  A good fit,  will get you more mileage than expensive clothing.  I now wear only L-sized shirts that are the right size for me and accentuate my newly-toned arms.
13. A study has indicated that women find a man’s arms to be his most sexy, attractive feature.  Thank goodness, because I hate working out my abs.
14. Eat right… Cut down on fat and increase your fruit and vegetable intake.
15. Stay tuned-in to topics that interest women…  You don’t have to become an emasculated, metro-sexual, but women enjoy conversation.
16. Be confident.  Know who you are and be comfortable with that.  Women are drawn to confidence.
17. Be a leader.  You can lead with women without being a chauvinistic, arrogant asshole.
18. Do not compromise your beliefs for anyone (unless your beliefs are totally screwed up of course).
19. Be organized.
20. Keep your car clean inside and out.  If you know you are going to have a woman in your car, you’ll want to get rid of the McDonald’s bags, and vacuum it out.
21. Be consistent, but not predictable.  Women like stability as well as variety and mystery – act accordingly.  Mix it up, but do not freak them out.
22. Treat women with respect, but be sexual with them (not creepy).  You will build their attraction towards you.
23. Many women on the dating scene at this age are divorced, single-mothers.  Understand that her kids SHOULD be priority over you.  If they aren’t, there’s something wrong with her.
24. NEVER ignore RED FLAGS!  Some women are no good at all…   Be familiar with personality disorders such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.  Learn what to watch out for and what to avoid.
25. Deodorant can be used on and around other areas of your body – use your imagination as to why this may be helpful to you.
26. Grooming can be done in areas aside from your head – use your imagination as to why this may be helpful to you.
27. Shave.  The odds are in your favor if you do.
28. Learn to iron and use your iron.
29. Learn to listen…  Pay attention to details and remember them.  If you want to really light her up, bring up a small detail she mentioned on a prior date.  You will be reinforcing the idea that you listen and care (even if you really could care less).
30. Do not use or take advantage of anyone.  Karma IS a real bitch…
31. Keep tight-lipped about prior relationships and their details.  She make act like she wants to know, but she really doesn’t want to know.  Trust me.
32. Be chivalrous, but don’t kiss her ass.  Hold doors, let her order first, etc…
33. DO NOT PAY FOR EVERYTHING.  Make her INVEST in you too.  She is not a queen, and you are not her subject.
34. Keep your options open and do not spend every moment you’re available with her.  Remember your interests and friends.  Be sure to value time to yourself.
35. Have firm boundaries.  Stand up for yourself.  You will be tested from time-to-time.  Always be willing to walk away from a bad or unfair deal.

Guys (and gals), if you have more tips, I’d love to hear them.  Please post yours in the comments section below…