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| Thursday, April 17, 2008 |
| Go Green- Let's Learn From The Dinosaur's Mistakes |
 New research indicates that it was not a catastrophic event that erased the dinosaurs. It was, in fact, their inability to adapt to a green way of life and the standards laid out in the Kyoto Protocol.
The bulky bastards zipped around in their H2's without a care in the world. They refused to recycle. They refused to use mercury-infused CFL's. Worse yet, they did not purchase their produce from local growers. As history now shows, these proved to be poor choices for the dinosaurs.
Recently, the fossilized remains of a T-rex were unearthed in western Montana. A plastic grocery bag can be seen clutched in the front left claw of the enormous beast. Also, a pair of non-hemp, synthetic, "Life Is Shit" sandals were found on his huge, gnarly feet.
Have we learned nothing from these giant teachers of the past? Do we let their message go unheard? No. It stops now people. WE GO GREEN. We do not let even one dino-death be in vain. WE GO GREEN. Everyone. The whole world over must go green. Do you understand? No more messin' around. All nations go green and save ourselves while we still can. WE GO GREEN or we nuke the shit out of any piss-ant counties that don't. Do it for the dinosaurs.Labels: environment, funny, green living, satire
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posted by OmniSwami @ 8:38 PM   |
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| Tuesday, April 8, 2008 |
| New Wall Mounted Defibrillator for Toy Packaging Executives |
Here is my proprietary design for a wall-mounted defibrillator made exclusively for toy packaging executive's offices...
UNIT FRONT UNIT BACK Labels: funny, opinion, satire
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| posted by OmniSwami @ 11:17 AM |
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| Friday, March 21, 2008 |
| Driver Improvement School - Cruel and Unusual Punishment (Part 1) |
 I recently had the galling experience of attending driver improvement school. The reason? My daughter states the answer rather clearly, "Because you were bad, Daddy." Yes, I was bad.
After receiving my first moving violation in 16 years for improper lane usage, I had the dumb-(really, incredibly dumb)-luck of receiving a
speeding ticket just 2 months later. Now, the improper lane usage charge, though lame, was dully mine. For the second ticket, unlike the
first, I was not the appropriate recipient. I was not speeding (especially 19 mph over the limit).
When explaining this to the bull-headed police officer, he informed me that he was quite sure the ticket was unmistakably mine. I was beginning to understand the officer's logic. I believe the formula that was sputtering through his little mind was something like:
God is infallible. I think I'm God. Therefore, I am infallible.
What a douche-bag.
Now, I must return to the true focus of my tale of woe. One requirement of the rather exorbitant "justice" I purchased was that I attend driver improvement school. There is nothing, nothing, in this great world, that can make a man more contemplative of humanity than driver improvement school. For two, three-hour nights, I had become a pupil in an academy both cruel and unusual.
Upon entering the classroom, the fifteen years I had experienced since high school were erased. My time in college, a career, a wife, a house, the kids, all were gone, sublimated, vaporized, erased. I found myself back in what could have been any high school's drivers-ed class. I cautiously scanned the room. There are sixty-five teens of various social standing, representing every gang, club, and clique known to the modern-day high school. Additionally, there's a guy who is easily fifteen years older than me who appears to be reliving his high school glory days. I'm a fish out of water. This guy is a loud, dumb, beached-whale.
To be continued...Labels: funny, justice
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| posted by OmniSwami @ 9:44 AM |
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| Thursday, March 13, 2008 |
| Hugo Chavez - Today Your Weed... Tomorrow The World |
See what happens when Hugo Chavez hangs out with Jeff Spicoli?
Labels: funny, hugo chavez
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| posted by OmniSwami @ 8:51 PM |
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| Wednesday, February 27, 2008 |
| Interview with Saint Peter - Part 1 |
 The following is a transcript taken from my direct interview with Saint Peter.
OmniSwami:
Saint Peter, it truly is an honor...
Saint Peter:
Oh, thanks... It's my pleasure, really.
O/S:
Before we get started, I feel obligated to ask... Who's manning the gates while your down here with me?
S/P:
Actually, no one. Heaven is officially closed for the next 30 minutes or so... gates locked.
O/S:
No kidding? Let's hope nobody buys the farm in the next half hour.
S/P: (laughs)
That's why we have purgetory...
O/S: (laughing)
Right. Okay, so... first question... Is it truly as difficult to get into Heaven as they say it is?
S/P:
Well, I guess that depends on who the they is... If the they is Hitler, Osama, or Hillary, probably so.
O/S:
No, no, I know they're screwed. I mean regular folks...
S/P:
No, not really. You know, God's a bit more relaxed now. He's not sure the Bible projects the image he wants for himself. It doesn't really capture the God I know...
O/S:
And who is the God you know?
S/P:
Well, you've all heard the stories of the punishing God, the fire & brimstone, etc...
O/S:
Sure...
S/P:
Well... that's a bit harsh. He's really very understanding. He knows folks have a bit more on their plates these days. He knows that both parents are working, the kids have soccor, the groceries, blah, blah, blah... God knows people are being pushed beyond their intended physical, psychological, and emotional means. He's been thinking of simplifying his message.
O/S:
How so?
S/P:
For starters, he's thinking about reducing the Ten Commandments to the One Commandment - "Thou shalt not be a schnook."
O/S:
You're kidding me...
S/P:
No, seriously. Think about it... It captures the root message of all the other commandments - What do you call a guy who sleeps with his neighbor's wife? Or someone who takes your favorite garden gnome? Or the person who blames you for something they did wrong? Yep, schnooks. All of them - schnooks.
O/S:
Amazing...
S/P:
Makes sense...
O/S:
Well... Um... I have a few questions that came in via email.
S/P:
Shoot...
O/S:
Okay... This question is from Heather in San Jose... "Saint Peter, I haven't necessarily lived the most pious life to date... Do I still have a chance to get into Heaven?"
S/P: (laughs)
Heather... You're hot! Don't worry about it. Hot chicks always get a pass in Heaven!
O/S: (laughing)
Right on! Now is that God's rule or are you making some deals up there?
S/P: (laughing)
You know, we like to have a good time. It really isn't all stuffy or nothin'. For example, last week this guy comes wondering up to the gates in dumbfounded amazement (he just had a heart-attack in a cab in Brooklyn)... This guy led a picture perfect life on earth - a real family man type. Anyways, he walks up and kneels down in front of the gates with tears in his eyes, too awstruck to speak... So in my most authoritative voice I say, 'George, Mets fans are not welcome here.' You should have seen this guy's face! He went pale, absolutely pale! Ha!
O/S:
Good one.
To be continued...
Labels: funny, interviews, religion, Saint Peter
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| posted by OmniSwami @ 8:53 AM |
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| Friday, February 22, 2008 |
| I'd Like To Be A Buddhist |
 I'd like to be a Buddhist And sit in full lotus And shave the hair from my head Just so others notice I'd like to be so peaceful And never again eat meat And stop looking at women Like a dog in heat I'd live a more simple life And trade-in my Volkswagon Jetta I'd walk to work, hands folded Lost in loving metta But reality sets in And I start to think I'd like to be a Buddhist But a Buddhist doesn't drink Labels: buddha, buddhism, funny, poem
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| posted by OmniSwami @ 8:21 AM |
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