OmniSwami

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Interview with Saint Peter - Part 1

The following is a transcript taken from my direct interview with Saint Peter.

OmniSwami:
Saint Peter, it truly is an honor...

Saint Peter:
Oh, thanks... It's my pleasure, really.

O/S:
Before we get started, I feel obligated to ask... Who's manning the gates while your down here with me?

S/P:
Actually, no one. Heaven is officially closed for the next 30 minutes or so... gates locked.

O/S:
No kidding? Let's hope nobody buys the farm in the next half hour.

S/P: (laughs)
That's why we have purgetory...

O/S: (laughing)
Right. Okay, so... first question... Is it truly as difficult to get into Heaven as they say it is?

S/P:
Well, I guess that depends on who the they is... If the they is Hitler, Osama, or Hillary, probably so.

O/S:
No, no, I know they're screwed. I mean regular folks...

S/P:
No, not really. You know, God's a bit more relaxed now. He's not sure the Bible projects the image he wants for himself. It doesn't really capture the God I know...

O/S:
And who is the God you know?

S/P:
Well, you've all heard the stories of the punishing God, the fire & brimstone, etc...

O/S:
Sure...

S/P:
Well... that's a bit harsh. He's really very understanding. He knows folks have a bit more on their plates these days. He knows that both parents are working, the kids have soccor, the groceries, blah, blah, blah... God knows people are being pushed beyond their intended physical, psychological, and emotional means. He's been thinking of simplifying his message.

O/S:
How so?

S/P:
For starters, he's thinking about reducing the Ten Commandments to the One Commandment - "Thou shalt not be a schnook."

O/S:
You're kidding me...

S/P:
No, seriously. Think about it... It captures the root message of all the other commandments - What do you call a guy who sleeps with his neighbor's wife? Or someone who takes your favorite garden gnome? Or the person who blames you for something they did wrong? Yep, schnooks. All of them - schnooks.

O/S:
Amazing...

S/P:
Makes sense...

O/S:
Well... Um... I have a few questions that came in via email.

S/P:
Shoot...

O/S:
Okay... This question is from Heather in San Jose... "Saint Peter, I haven't necessarily lived the most pious life to date... Do I still have a chance to get into Heaven?"

S/P: (laughs)
Heather... You're hot! Don't worry about it. Hot chicks always get a pass in Heaven!

O/S: (laughing)
Right on! Now is that God's rule or are you making some deals up there?

S/P: (laughing)
You know, we like to have a good time. It really isn't all stuffy or nothin'. For example, last week this guy comes wondering up to the gates in dumbfounded amazement (he just had a heart-attack in a cab in Brooklyn)... This guy led a picture perfect life on earth - a real family man type. Anyways, he walks up and kneels down in front of the gates with tears in his eyes, too awstruck to speak... So in my most authoritative voice I say, 'George, Mets fans are not welcome here.' You should have seen this guy's face! He went pale, absolutely pale! Ha!

O/S:
Good one.

To be continued...

Labels: funny, interviews, religion, Saint Peter